page 1 25th June, 1999
Dear Frances,
Thank you for allowing me to witness the good side of your character. It is very impressive. I do hope you are around if I am ever in trouble.
You have been in the grip of Ongoing Anger for a long time now. Actually, until today I hadn't realised that the court hearing is only three months past. It is simply inevitable that such an event rakes up old hurts, so that a person needs to start grieving all over again. The wonder is that you, and from your report, the rest of your family, are coping so well only three months after this secondary trauma.
Please don't change. You are a wonderful person the way you are. All you need to do is to get out of the clutches of Ongoing Anger.
Now, this is difficult. Over the years you have acquired a habit of thought, and mental habits are even harder to change than physical ones. But you are an extremely determined, conscientious person, and if anyone can do it, that person is you.
As I suggested, the way may be to practise by letting go of old grudges that concern fairly minor matters, or can be explained as being due to weakness or circumstances rather than malice. For example, his boss probably tried to fire Warren out of fear of losing business, because of Warren's public 'scandal'.
You don't have to forget anything. Just do your best to forgive. And, as we agreed, if you can't do this, try to act as if you forgave. The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said, 'Seem the man you wish to be', and this advice turned a coward into a hero.
So, change the habit of holding grudges by pretending not to. This way, almost against your own will, you'll establish a new habit.
This has worked for me, and I have seen it work for others. It may not work for you, but there is only one way to find out. If it works, you become a happier person, and in turn this will make people want to be in your company. If it doesn't work, we can try something else.
When you have tamed Ongoing Anger, you will still be the same person, but, once again, your family and friends will seek your company. (I guess lesser people are uncomfortable in the presence of those with intense feelings.) So, not only will you have shed the terrible load you've been carrying, but also you will be able to return to a happier existence.
All the best,
Bob Rich.
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