Advance reviews
Chapter 1
Table of Contents
Where to buy this book
About the author
If you are suffering now...
Sooner or later, we are all guaranteed to lose someone important in our lives. But also, the ways of thinking and doing ("techniques") for resolving bereavement are the same as those dealing with other serious losses such as divorce, becoming unemployed, or a car smash. And anyone with a shred of empathy suffers second-hand grief at the horror show that's the daily news. This little book teaches you the science-based tools for relieving such suffering.
The Hole in Your Life by Dr. Bob Rich is a heartfelt, practical guide to understanding grief, and healing from it. Rooted in personal experience--most notably the loss of his daughter, Natalie--and decades of psychological counselling, Dr. Rich offers readers compassionate tools for navigating bereavement. Drawing on real-life case studies, mindfulness techniques, and the seven magic bullets for wellbeing, he explores the complexities of grief, from anticipatory sorrow to finding meaning and renewal. Blending storytelling, humour, and therapeutic insight, this book serves as both a comfort and a roadmap for anyone experiencing loss, emphasising that while grief is unique and unpredictable, growth and peace are possible.
"Thank you for asking me to read The Hole in Your Life. Its insights will help countless people struggling with loss. I recently lost my youngest sister, and it was a blessing to read your thoughts on the paths I can take toward remembering her in healthy ways."
-- Georgiann Baldino, author of A Family and Nation under Fire, and other books
"Dr Bob Rich's The Hole in Your Life is written from the heart. It shares his personal experience and many case studies with his clients, making research-based recommendations on how to process grief in a very readable and easy to apply manner."
-- Dr David Morawetz, counselling psychologist, grief counsellor,
and founder and director, Social Justice Fund
"Grief is something that touches everyone's life at some point or another, so it only makes sense to empower ourselves with the tools to cope-and who better to learn from than Dr. Bob Rich, a psychologist with decades of experience helping patients overcome a wide variety of life's problems, including of course, grief."
-- I. C. Robledo, a bestselling author and editor in self-development
One morning in May 2023, my daughter, Natalie, looked in the mirror to see that the whites of her eyes had turned yellow. Her skin had darkened. Her brother, who lives interstate, happened to phone her, and she told him about her changes as if they were something to laugh about. He said, "See your doctor, NOW!"
The doctor chased her off to a hospital, where they diagnosed her with advanced liver cancer. It was inoperable because it had started in the bile duct.
Nineteen months of medical torture later, she was dead. We are preparing for her funeral as I write, in December 2024.
This book on grief was almost completed, with only three sections waiting to be written, but I'd put it aside. I got it out and decided to make it my next project as part of processing my grief. And as on previous occasions when I've suffered the loss of a loved one, her passing allowed me to field test the many ways of coping with grief I'll share with you.
I'd love to illustrate my daughter's caring nature for you. In Australia, European wasps are a vicious invader species. Nevertheless, I have seen her save one from drowning. "They are living things, so deserve to be helped," she said. She also invested hundreds of hours crocheting beautiful rugs for homeless people, many of whom are older women who live in their cars. Most people avoid a staggering drunk. In contrast, when the two of us were out on one of our enjoyable walks together, she insisted we help one cross a road, then we even escorted him home.
She was stubborn and insisted on having her own way, even from before birth. My wife and I lived on a scholarship and couldn't afford a baby yet. Despite everything medical science could do, Natalie came along anyway. My wife went into labor, and then the baby stayed inside through 72 hours of contractions, until SHE had made up her mind to face the world.
When she was four years old, she insisted on starting school, and was so adamant that despite the hole it made in our finances, we enrolled her in a private school. One of my favorite photos is the class lined up by order of height. Natalie was on the end, a head shorter than the next shortest kid. But she could count to a thousand, "a THOUSAND, Dad," and was best at all the academic stuff, something she maintained until graduating with a medal.
To conclude this trait, she planned her own funeral, which is to be a Purple Party. Everyone is required to wear something purple. Her sister, Anina, is to speak, and Natalie instructed her and the celebrant, who is in her nineties but came temporarily out of retirement because she used to be Natalie's client.
Natalie's work was basically that of a small business counselor. Her delight was to save people from bankruptcy, to guide them to a long-term sustainable business, to act with wisdom. Like the celebrant, most of them became devoted friends for life.
As you can see, I love her immensely.
And yet, only days after her passing, I have peace in my heart, can enjoy a joke, and get on with the conduct of life. A typical thought is, "Thank heavens, she is at peace now, and no longer suffering."
If I can do this, then perhaps you can, too, though there are never any guarantees. Everyone's journey through grief is different. The "normal course of grief" usually takes one to two years and may even be longer. It is not a race but, if we make the right choices, it is a way of growing and becoming better people.
Part I: Finding a Path to Healing
A Glimmer of Hope
The Goal
Scheduling: Immediate First Aid
The power of NOW
Part II The Nature of Grief
Part III
The Two Parts of Grieving
Loss
Compassion for the Departed
Part IV: Coping Techniques
Your Body is a Spacesuit for Surviving on this Planet
Grieving Is Something You Do
Wanting to go
I Hated Him but Now I Miss Him
Stuck in Grief
Anticipatory Grief
Grief for a Child
Supporting Grieving Kids
Part V: Finding Equanimity
Calm Acceptance, of Anything
Anger Is a Choice
Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining
Mindfulness-Based Grief Relief
Part VI: Seeing the Big Picture
Why Are We on this Planet Anyway?
And Finally...
References
Bob Rich, Ph.D. earned his doctorate in psychology in 1972. He worked as an academic, researcher and applied scientist until "retiring" the first time at 36 years of age. Later, he returned to psychology and qualified in Counseling Psychology and ran a private practice for over 20 years. During this time, he was on the national executive of the College of Counselling Psychologists of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), then spent three years as a Director of the APS. He was the therapist referrers sent their most difficult cases to.
Bob retired in 2013, but still does pro bono counseling over the internet. This has given him hundreds of "children" and "grandchildren" he has never met, because many of these people stay in touch for years. His major joy in life is to be of benefit to others, and now he wants to be of service to people suffering a serious loss.
You can get to know him well at his blog, Bobbing Around.
Money can cost more than it is worth. I want to sell many copies of this book, because it is a way I can be of service... but being of service is more important than sales.
If for any reason you cannot buy a copy but need my help anyway, you can do one of two things:
1. Subscribe to my blog, Bobbing Around. This entitles you to a free book in electronic format, and you can request The Hole In Your Life.
2. Send me a private message via my contact page and I'll be delighted to do my best for you. This is true whether your problem is grief or something else.
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